Before you ask, no, I haven’t watched the movie. I don’t know if I ever will so let’s drop it. And just so we’re clear, I’m talking about men, the movie is about boys.
So, this is a letter. From me to all these men.
The men I’ve shamelessly taken to bed every single time my woman instincts couldn’t be chained. Men who are married, dating, single and gay.
This is a thank you letter, a horny confession, and pretty much anything you want it to be.
- Tom Welling
( Age 6 – 10)
Superman. Magical blue eyes. Cape and red and blue suit. I spent most of my young life in your arms being carried everywhere. Oh, how safe you made me feel. No one could touch me. You were always ready to fly to me and sweep me off the earth from lowlifes who didn’t deserve my light. Thank you, Tom. You made me a very imaginative piece of work. I never think of you along any other line than the superhero you are.
- John Cena
(Age 10 – 12)
‘Choke me daddy…’ No, wait. I was too young to think of such a corny line. Wrestling. Introduced to this sport by my uncle. What he didn’t know is, he gave me away in marriage to you.
Cena, you and your shorts. Everyone was there parading their junks and their long muscular legs and you with your shorts just grabbed me. I wanted to wear them with you. I wanted to sleep in those shorts. I wanted your chains on my neck. I wanted to tattoo your name on my eyelids. Dang, you so fiiiiiiiine.
- Velvet boy
(Age 12 )
I don’t know your name. I never might. But I know how your skin feels. I know how your voice tickles. I know. I know because that’s how velvet feels. I used velvet for the first time describing you to a friend and I didn’t even know what velvet was. Your eyes. Your lips. Your hair. Your height. Good God, those fitting pants. Whew! The heartbeats you stole from me. The stupidity you uprooted in me. The confidence you danced in. The perfection you spat out. You did things to me. Things I never knew could be done to a human being. A human as innocent as me. The things I want to do to you……
- Chris Brown
(Age 11- 18)
You are one hell of a ride.
I loved you from day one. I fought with people for you. I made new friends because of you. I learned jealousy from loving you. Your dance, your voice, your carefree nature, those lips. The number of times my pillow had to suffer for impersonating your lips….
The skinny jeans hugging you so. How can I forget the dirty talk? The innuendos. The beastly energy. It’s not easy Chris. You don’t make it easy.
- Shah Rukh Khan
(Age 14 – 17)
Ah. The king of romance. The first time I saw you I couldn’t decide whether it was your mouth or that little wink you did that made my heart stop.
Damn. How can you look at someone the way you do and expect me, watching that to be okay? The crimes against horn I’ve committed because of you…
You made me a hopeless romantic. You raised my standards so high I had no choice but to tie the knot with you. And a wonderful romancer you truly are.
- Wentworth Miller
(Age 20 to date)
I was young when I first saw you. The only thing I remember is you inside a cell and the doors closing. I was just a child but that memory never left me. A few years later I saw you again. And this time I knew I was doomed. The first thing I loved was that gloomy no-nonsense attitude of typical Byronic heroes. Then those deep-set blue eyes. Oh, your eyes and that look! Your hands! You are the reason I have a high-functioning hand and especially finger fetish. God help me! I don’t care what team you play on, you’re mine!
- Cristiano Ronaldo
(Age 12 to date)
Seriously, if anyone says anything about this man, we will fight! Another husband courtesy of my uncle’s obsession with sports. I love you CR7. The agility, the stamina, the exuberance. Do you know how much time I waste just thinking of you in those shorts? And then you go ahead and bury yourself in a tank of audacity and roll up the shorts! Do you have any idea what your toned and tanned body does to my innocent mind? And then you go ahead and make those commercials with towels. Respect me, please!
- Zayn Malik
Sorry, I can’t go on. It’s getting hot in here. I need a glass of water. Very cold. And maybe a shower and some good food to feed my mind. I might expound on the list further but that would have to be on another day.
Or other days because the list is not short, fellas.
Anyway, since what I’ve written can and could be used against me in the most critical moment of marriage, I denounce you all. I don’t know you and I’ve never heard of anything called Sapho.